I’m 31 and I’ve had ADD ever since I remember. Here’s a great website that describes all symptoms and treatment.
After 31 years of being unable to develop and use my potential as a human being I arrived at the point where I’ve been diagnosed with Depression Bipolar II, which means I had a period of hyperactivity and was able to focus, plan and was generally very satisfied with my life until I had a breakdown and suffered from most of the depression symptoms such as lack of sense of life, low self-esteem, slowness of movements, suicidal thoughts etc.
I looked a bit deeper into myself and thought of potential causes of the depression. In itself, it’s not such a big problem being depressed for me. I know I’m feeling down but do realise this’ll change and I’ll start feeling better again soon.
I figured out ADD is the direct cause of my depression as is the case in many other people. I therefore started looking for ways of dealing with this either in the form of medication and/or therapy. Whatever, as long as it works, i.e. the disease is gotten rid of and I can start living a normal life at some point. Doesn’t have to be tomorrow or next year.
What I found out so far, though, is that there’s a lack of any real help for ADDers and the super-positive ways of advertising what is meant to be helpful is just fucking annoying!
Basically, what you’re offered as an ADDer is either medication (with many side effects that effectively render them useless) or self-help (which is a contradiction in itself as you’re unable to focus and complete tasks as an ADDer yet you’re expected to focus on the self-help and complete it yourself!) or therapy.
But the funniest thing is, the effect of those different ways of treatment is… you will be able to tidy up your room, get rid of clutter, stop spending overspending, make sure you get to work on time and deal with your short temper.
What the treatment doesn’t address is the very symptoms that are the cause of frustration and may lead to depression, i.e. you won’t be able to start concentrating more but thanks to aids such us lists and colour-coding you will be able to forget less.
If you’re an ADDer you probably realise you belong to the “other” group, i.e. there are very successful ADDers who live what looks like normal lives and their ADD has made them so successful. But obviously these people don’t care about ADD coz it’s bringing them joy and meaning in life.
So you’re in the “other” group like me, you’re unable to use your potential, develop your talents, finish tasks, concentrate and remember and most of all you’ve probably found it difficult to learn in school and have been called ‘lazy’ many times.
And now you’re coming to the point where they’re trying to help you by getting your life organised better so it’s less chaotic. Excuse me, but I don’t give a shit!
For the first 31 years of my life I knew two things about myself: a) there’s something wrong with me b) I have to work hard to change it. And I did work as hard as I could, watched friends doing a fraction of what I did and scoring 10 times better. But I didn’t give up thinking there was some deficit in me (and thought everybody had deficits of some kind) that can be overcome eventually.
Well, there is a deficit in me that CANNOT be overcome. And the treatment I’m being offered isn’t even about getting used to the fact I’ll never be able to achieve anything meaningful in life such as career. I’m not being told explicitly I should rather concentrate on looking for a job that requires you to do the same thing over and over again. I’m not told I should avoid anything requiring analysis because I will overlook too many important factors.
Instead, the treatment claims to be helping me while in fact it’s all about focusing on fixing things that are unimportant to me. As an ADDer I can manage my money and limit spending sprees, make sure I keep things organised and can manage my time to a certain extent. In short, I learned to live with the symptoms to the extent I can survive without causing a lot of damage.
But that’s not what I want! I want to use my creativity and avoid frustration that will cause another feat of depression in the future. I want to have the courage to use my creativity or otherwise there is no point for me to live. It’s like being in a jail with a life sentence without causing any crime!
This is like being handicapped, it’s like if you had legs but couldn’t use it. I just found out I’m disabled and they’re offering me to learn to manage my time! Thank you very much!
Do you understand how I feel? Do you understand what it means to me to be intelligent but unable to take advantage of the intellectual powers in me? I feel like I’m being made fun of!
Ever since I remember I’ve been told to work harder! And now that I found out it’s not exactly easy for me to do what everybody else can easily achieve, I hear I should cheer up and keep working.
I’ve been misunderstood and miss-assessed in my life. I’ve been called names and left to believe I was lazy and unwilling to deal with my own problems. I had to suffer through years of education that never took into consideration my deficiency. And now I’m supposed to accept that and carry on with my life?
I am frustrated to a great extent because of the lack of sufficient treatment methods. But most of all, I’m disappointed about the lack of understanding of ADDers by the society and by the healthcare system.
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